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How to Let Your Father Know You Care |
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Written by Rabbi Irwin Katsoff
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How to Let Your Father Know You Care
In our Mother's Day issue, we recommended enclosing a hand-written letter in your Mother's Day card, expressing your appreciation for something specific your mother had done for you, given you, or taught you. Judging from the response, this was a marvelous idea. Many mothers were more moved and grateful for these "healing words" than for dozens of long-stemmed red roses! Father's Day is now approaching (June 16). While loving, grateful words are always in order, especially in family relationships, Father's Day is a unique opportunity to thank your father, in your own written words, for anything from a life lesson to a special 13th birthday gift. We recommend doing this even:
- If your father wasn't perfect.
- If resentments for long-ago hurts still linger between you.
- If you think your father will disdain your letter as sentimental. (No matter what he says — or doesn't say — he will keep it for the rest of his life!)
- If you tell your father all the time how much you love him-or haven't spoken to him in years.
Words can heal. Even without delving into the roots of rocky relationships, appreciative words, by accentuating the positive, can heal strained relationships. The result is that both you and your father will feel happier and more at peace.
Ten minutes of concentrated thought will most likely yield the kind of memories that one Words Can Heal member cherishes about his father:
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"I would like to share a story about the greatest gift my Dad ever gave me. Over ten years ago my Mom and Dad and one of my brothers jumped into their car to drive across the country to visit my brother and his family in California, where he was stationed in the military.
"My Father went into a truck stop somewhere in Texas on Christmas Eve and saw a somewhat sad man sitting at the counter. In talking with the man, my father found out that he was on his way home for Christmas, but was somewhat strapped due to his job not panning out, and it was hard to go home empty handed. My dad proceeded to the truck stop store, purchased some wonderful stuffed animals from Santa, and told him to go home now. My parents were driving because they couldn't afford to fly, but that didn't prevent my Father from doing the little thing that made a difference for so many lives, including mine.
"Also, when I was growing up, every Thanksgiving we had strange men of every nationality at our table. My Dad and Mom would go to the military base and invite the ones who couldn't get home or had no family. This was during the Vietnam War. I can't remember many of the Christmas or Birthday presents from over the years, but I proudly remember my parents' caring concern for strangers, some of whom made the ultimate sacrifice.
"I also remember making a disparaging remark about Russians when anti-Communism was at a high. I remember my Father saying, 'Be thankful that we don't have the problems that the families there do. They're just people trying their best in the situation that they are in.'
"It's amazing what sticks with you. It's definitely not the material stuff."
Here are some suggestions for what to express appreciation to your father for:
- A childhood experience when your father came through for you.
Eg. When he missed work to come to the big game; when he put in extra hours to pay for something you really wanted; when the neighbor's dog scared you, and suddenly your father was beside you.
- A life lesson your father taught you, by words or example.
Eg. The time he modeled generosity for you by giving to someone who was down and out; when he taught you fiscal responsibility by not charging something he wanted but couldn't afford; when he controlled his anger toward someone who insulted him; the respectful, caring way he treated his own elderly parents.
- Financial support and material presents.
Grown children often criticize their fathers for having spent too much time working and not enough time with them. Even if you're right that his priorities were wrong, even if you raise your own children very differently, this Father's Day, reflect on this: You enjoyed summer camp, you spent a lot of time during your teenage years talking on the phone, it was important to you to dress stylishly and your father paid for all that! Isn't it time to thank him?
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