 Tu B’Av - טו ב'אב, the 15 day of the Hebrew month of Av, is the day that the decree ended – the decree that the men between the ages of 20 and 60 would die in the desert - the men who gave up hope and cried the
entire night when the Mergalim (Spies) came back from spying out the land of Israel and gave their evil report.
It is also Jewish national anti shadchun (matchmaker) day – the day that all the single women went out into the vineyards and began dancing in front of the men, so that the men would choose their brides.
טו ב'אב may also be written as טוב אב – Tuv Av – where טוב (Tuv) means the very best, and אב (Av) refers to the month of Av. Tu b’Av, טו ב'אב, the Best of Av, the day that the generation of the desert realized that the decree of death was over, was transformed into a day of life.
God said, “A day for a year, a day for a year, forty years . . .”
The last year of those forty, the remaining 15,000 men dug their graves on the eve of Tish b’Av, the ninth of Av, and slept in those graves awaiting their deaths.
On the 15th of Av, they saw a full moon, and they realized that it was definitely past the 9th of Av, past Tisha b’Av and they didn’t die. Then they knew for sure that the decree was over.
Let me repeat that – THE DECREE WAS OVER.
The decree that we have been reactivating for the past 3,283 years.
What are we thinking? . . . or are we?
How did they celebrate? By starting life anew.
“Be fruitful and multiply and fill up the Earth, and conquer it.”(Genesis 1:28)
Get married . . . have children. Have a singles mixer. How else were they supposed to meet in the desert?
It was the first Sadie Hawkin’s day (from Al Capp's classic hillbilly comic strip, “Li'l Abner”, 1934–1978).
A dear friend of mine’s daughter was sitting at a mixed singles table at a wedding. She met a nice young man at that singles table, and they got married and have a beautiful child and are very happily married.
My uncle Moishie, ob’m, was close with Reb Moshe Feinstein, ztl’s family and my Aunt Edith tells me that they were at a number of the weddings of their children. Naturally, Reb Moshe was present at these weddings.
My aunt Edith said there was no separate seating. All the tables were mixed, including, or rather especially, the singles tables, except for one table for certain Rabbis. She quotes Reb Moshe’s family member as saying, “I never had a wedding with separate seating,” and “How else are singles supposed to meet and get married?”
She saw pictures of Reb Moshe, zt’l, sitting at the head table (dais) at weddings with the choson and kallah (bride and groom) and both sets of parents.
She also said that there were no mechitzas (dividers ) during the dancing. And people met and they got married. The men saw the women dancing . . . and they got married. What an interesting concept.
Ain chadash tachas hashemesh – there is nothing new under the Sun.
We are in the midst of a major “Shidduch Crisis” a Matchmaker Disaster. Singles are not allowed to talk to each other without a “proper” (meaning paid for) introduction.
I know of a young couple who were cousins and were best friends. At some point they decided to get married. What better way to start a marriage than between best friends?
The parents of the girl said, “We have to hire a shadchan ( a matchmaker) to say he introduced them. And we can’t tell anybody that they were friends or that they knew each other before. That would not be acceptable in our community.”
So they went and hired a shadchan to lie, to say that he introduced them. They paid the shadchan $1500, and started the young couple’s married life on a lie. After all what would people think if they knew each other before?!
I was appalled when I heard this story. What ever happened to “mi’dvar sheker tirchok – stay far away from falsehood”?
The Pasuk tells us, “Vayikach Avram v’nachor lahem nashim, sheim eishes Avram Sarai, v’sheim eishes Nachor Milkah – Avram and Nachor took for themselves wives; the name of Avram’s wife was Sarai and the name of Nachor’s wife was Milkah.” (Genesis 11:29)
Did you hear any mention of a shadchun? I didn’t. We are talking about Abraham our forefather.
So where have we devolved to?
Boys and girls, or young men and women, are not allowed to speak to each other without first having their respective families checked out.
Where does he daven (pray)?
Does he wear a black hat? A Gartel (a black belt – and not the martial arts kind) when he davens?
Does he want to sit and learn?
Is Daddy going to pay for that?
What does his father do for a living?
What is her dress size?
Will she wear a sheitel or a snood?
So far, not one question about:
What kind of person is s/he?
Is s/he kind? Happy? Optimistic?
Will he be there to help me raise the children?
How does he get along with his parents?
I wonder if we have lost perspective.
They can’t talk to each other until they get an FBI report and a D & B (Dunn and Bradstreet) on the prospective shidduch (spouse candidate).
No mixed seating, no unchaperoned conversations or dates.
Is it any wonder that we have a shidduch crisis?!
Is it any wonder that there are so many singles, both young and old?
Whatever happened to Tu b’AV? There were no shadchanim there, only young women dancing in front of the men in order to attract them (oops, I hope I didn’t say an improper word – attract).
I think it’s high time we looked at ourselves in the mirror and asked ourselves if what we’re doing is working.
There’s an old Indian saying: “If the horse you’re on is dead . . . get off!”
Maybe it’s time to get off the shidduch “No-Marry Go Round” and reinstitute Tu b’Av.
If it was good enough for Reb Moshe, why is it not good enough for us?
Imagine . . . every wedding could be a Tu b’Av!
Is it possible that the Shidduch Crisis is really a self made crisis? A crisis of lost perspective?
There is a Midrash that asks, “What does the Ribono Shel Olam do since the Sheishes Yemei Bereishis – What does God keep himself busy with since Creation?
Answer – He is mezaveig zivugim – He is matchmaking.”
Perhaps it’s time to give the job back to the best Matchmaker of all . . . to God.
Perhaps it’s time to start having weddings again . . . instead of separation and investigations.
Copyright © by Harvey (Heshie) Klein, MD
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